tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82029723553564710292024-02-08T04:38:43.119-06:00The Life and Times of Scumboy FantasticPretty much this is me, Bryan Fielder, wasting your time by complaining and telling my story...it might be mildly amusing, but incredibly depressing at points...I hope you enjoy the chronicles of me...I am scum...Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-80319654640887111822011-01-17T07:57:00.002-06:002011-01-17T08:04:41.662-06:00Why Do I Torture MyselfI always do this. I can't sleep, so I put on a movie that I know makes me sad. Why? Why the fuck do I do this to myself? I just want to be happy. That's all. Is that really so much to ask? Is it stupid to ask that question? Am I stupid for wanting happiness? Why do I desperately want to be in love again? I know I'll just end up breaking another heart along with mine. Is it really worth it? Do I really want to put myself through it all again? Yes. It is worth it. I want it more than anything. I'm afraid I won't find it again. I know there are billions of people out there. Maybe I should move away. Start over in a new place. Maybe I'll be happy then. I don't have the guts. I wish somebody would steal me away. Wouldn't that be nice.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-79616861544627333632011-01-03T07:37:00.001-06:002011-01-03T07:38:26.208-06:00A New Chapter AwaitsI met up with my ex-girlfriend tonight after work. We finally had our talk. For nine months I have been hung up on her, because we never got to say goodbye, it was just over. So we arranged to meet. At first it was just to see if we could be friends. We had an awkward meal, that we both didn’t eat. Then we sat in her car and talked for hours. I fell back in love with her. Then we started to really talk. I cried for about an hour. We said goodbye, and I asked her for one last kiss. She wouldn’t give me one. She then started to cry. I wanted to hold her, but she pushed me away. She was crying over her recent ex-boyfriend. I was crushed. I felt just like I did nine months ago. Here I was, finally saying goodbye, and she took it away again. I was a furious empty shell of a man. Instead of leaving, I told her about it, I told her how I felt. Then we both said our teary eyed goodbyes, and we kissed. I will never forget her. I can finally move on now. It took falling in love, getting heartbroken, and finally saying goodbye to get to this point. It's been an emotionally draining five hours, I think I'll go to sleep now.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-29537346135273766532010-12-02T08:55:00.002-06:002010-12-02T08:59:43.972-06:00Here we go Again...I wake up not happy. I think of what was, and what I want so bad. How the fuck do I even "put myself out there?" I really just want to find someone who I get along with, and who actually likes me for me. Not because I hang with Leonardo, but seriously. I'm not happy being alone, and it seems like all the girls I'm interested in are already taken, or don't like me in that way. If someone has the secret, let me know. I'll be here.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-44181349250056405812010-10-17T01:05:00.002-05:002010-10-17T01:16:50.090-05:00Moving On, and I'm Scared ShitlessEven I'm getting annoyed with all of my posts about being lonely. I wish I could just magically find "her." I realize I have to put myself out there and I'm scared. I have NO confidence. I am so hard on myself, and it's terrible. I love my personality, but this body makes me hate myself. I know I have to get over it and do something, but again, I'm scared of failure. I have not had the easiest couple of years, and I think I'm used to getting the raw end of everything. Hopefully this new job will make me realize that things are going to be okay. I have something to do now, and something to save for. I just hope I can pull myself out of this funk.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-22468634739352699102010-09-07T22:55:00.002-05:002010-09-07T23:06:39.141-05:00So,Ive been actually pretty happy up until tonight. I don't know, Something about today really makes me wish I had someone. I don't even have someone in mind. I haven't really been looking, but I haven't not been. I wish I could just find someone to be with forever. That's all I want, just one. Someone that I get along with, and who can get along with my friends. I think this attitude has to do with me smoking the past few days. I've now tried it, and it is not for me. Cigarettes are stupid, at first I loved the nicotine high, but it got old really quick. I'm over it. I have been really productive the past few days. I think it has to do with hanging out with my friend Ian. He is a really good influence on me. I am still on the hunt for a job, on the plus side, I don't care about what job I get, as long as I have one, I will be happy. That is what was holding me back. I got picky at the wrong time. This year has really sucked. Bad. People say it will get better, and it may, but it's not looking like it.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-20001504296845355602010-07-27T00:58:00.002-05:002010-07-27T01:19:12.282-05:00HmmmI have come to realize that I'm not a "go out and fuck random girls" kind of guy. I am, and probably will always be a relationship guy. The reason that sucks so much is, I am nowhere near ready to be in one. I wish I could just hold a girl and not run the risk of falling head over heels, I'm afraid this will happen, but I've been longing for a woman's touch, not in a sexual way, just to be so close to someone that they fit perfectly in your arms and everything seems like it is going to be okay. I love women, not in a "I wanna bang everything that has tits and a pussy" way, but in a "I want to hold her and listen to her story" kind of way. I love the female form, every curve, every inch of soft skin, and the way their hair tickles when it brushes against your skin. I miss that terribly. I wish girls wouldn't care, I wish I wouldn't come off as a creep for saying all of this. I wish I didn't come off as a pussy for saying/meaning all of this. I want to stay up and watch the sunrise with someone, I want to sit with her and watch the world turn, we wouldn't even need to talk, just being with her would make us invincible. I want to find that girl for me, I thought I had it, but it didn't work out. Maybe life is going to be full of those relationships, however bad they end, you can still remember the times you stayed up so late that you propose, and she says yes. The times you sit lakeside on a miserable winter day, staring at the frozen lake, and as long as she is by your side, everything is fine. Friends, I had a person who was my other half, but when you both change, sometimes you don't fit together anymore. That, that is life, and it took me four months to realize it. The relationship should have ended long before it did. I think that I am finally at peace with it's end. Soon I will try and find a new person who "completes me." As sappy and bullshit that saying is, it is what I am looking for. Hopefully I find that girl soon.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-79013183793513773602010-07-11T01:07:00.001-05:002010-07-11T01:07:37.920-05:00Bryan Fielder is going to be ok.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-8139674531961806632010-06-25T01:33:00.001-05:002010-06-25T01:35:20.185-05:00Nothing NewNothing of Importance to post. I'm still depressed, still hung up on some girl, still out of shape, still have no confidence, still to lazy to chance that. I suckScumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-49432200629503128242010-06-21T09:59:00.001-05:002010-06-21T10:01:06.779-05:00Father's DayIt's been two years. I put on a front, but inside I am devastated. This day will never be the same.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-54746337915730616302010-06-09T02:10:00.002-05:002010-06-09T02:48:38.053-05:00Time to get all Bro-Core...In all honesty, the last three or four years of my life have been rough. I would even say that it just sucked for a lot of it. Everything from big things like losing my father, to small minuscule things like being unemployed. Life has not been great. The redeeming quality is my friends. I know everyone thinks it, but I have the best friends ever. Period. Some Ive had for sixteen years, some less than two. I would take a bullet for a select few, but anyone who considers me a friend, I hold in my heart. If I didn't have friends, I wouldn't have anything. They have helped me through everything, and with them, I can get through anything. As long as they are by my side, I'm invincible.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-10778109477653607152010-05-19T01:13:00.002-05:002010-05-19T01:21:52.858-05:00I guess this is growing upToday I sold a couple of instruments that I don't play anymore. Instead of wasting the money I am putting it in the bank, and I didn't really spent money today. It is really weird, I'm not the type to be responsible. I guess I should get used to it. Fuck growing up sucks. I miss not having a care in the world...Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-75046843809339562382010-05-11T00:34:00.002-05:002010-05-11T00:48:31.547-05:00Soo...I have a job interview tomorrow. I hope my new outlook on life will help me. It could blow up in my face considering said outlook is not caring. I plan to look nice, but I'm keeping my stubbly growing chops. I shaved everywhere else, I just want the sideburns more than I want this job. Getting back to my new "lease on life." I have virtually stopped caring. If your not going to like me because I hang out with someone you don't like, or what I look like, then fuck off. I'm done caring about what people think of me. Fuck that. I'm still gonna be a "nice guy," but I'm not gonna put up with any bullshit like I used to. Hopefully I will be more happy.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-57884122544270754382010-05-02T12:17:00.002-05:002010-05-02T12:22:32.547-05:00Sooner than I ever thought possible...So, the past five days have been amazing. I feel happy. No more bad dreams, no more feeling like there is a 50lb weight on my shoulders, back to normal. I think I am over her for now. There will probably be setbacks, but for now, I am. I even saw her the other day, and it didn't make me upset at all. Bad news is, I have not been doing well with making healthier decisions. Good news is, it's a new day. Time to grab life by the horns and make it my bitch.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-90430900070971796122010-04-28T10:16:00.002-05:002010-04-28T10:26:18.588-05:00Fuck SleepIt seems every time I remember a dream, it's about her. It's never good either. Had a good workout yesterday, followed by a good breakfast. I ate like shit for the rest of the day :/ I'll get to a point where I can manage my time, and make meals for the week or something. Until then I'm just gonna try and stay positive. I didn't wake up early enough to go to the gym, maybe I'll go after work. I need to make more friends, or at least hang out more with the ones I do have. I don't really ever want to be alone. I hope I find someone who can make me forget, and I hope I find her soon...Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-65336657994949728152010-04-27T00:06:00.002-05:002010-04-27T00:10:31.265-05:00let's do thisSo, I've noticed that I am growing more and more depressed. I keep finding out things about my ex and it brings me down. I have to get out of this slump. No more fast food, no more soda, no more eating cause I'm sad. I used to say something along the lines of, "this is my last time pigging out." I can't have that mentality. This blog will now be an everyday documentation of my journey to better health. This will happen.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-21857336229289835182010-04-24T03:07:00.002-05:002010-04-24T03:13:55.642-05:00At least it's a tragedyI am having a hard time coming out of my shell. Sadly I am more myself when I drink. It gives me tho courage to talk to people I don't know. I really have a lot to offer, but don't talk much in public settings. If you disagree, then you are probably in the little group i call close friends. I think I may have made a connection with two people tonight. We spent hours just talking, and it was a real fucking conversation. I missed that. Conversating. If you see me anywhere, talk to me, I love to chat, small talk or not. As much as I fucking hate people, I love meeting new friends. On a separate note, I am starting to embrace that I am an artist. I love drawing on shoes. I do it well. Well, I'm a little drunk, and I need to go to bed. I have a feeling I will start using this more.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-50057780823357271732010-04-12T23:15:00.002-05:002010-04-12T23:24:48.779-05:00I wouldn't call it a broken heart, just shards like glass embeded in my chestThese are some poems I wrote recently...<br /><br /><br />How can I love with a heart this<br />broken, you stepped on me with the words you have spoken.<br />There won't be any shoulders to cry on, not mine at least<br />that time is gone.<br /><br />------------------------------------------------------------- <br /> <br />Just when I thought the world couldn't get anymore<br />confusing, you walk through the door.<br />I should stop wearing these shirts, the sleeves get covered<br />in blood more often than not.<br />This time there is nothing left to break, im numb. You'd<br />think that's a good thing, its worse<br />There won't be any civil wars tonight girl, you know what<br />you did, no reason to kick you while you're down.<br />Cause in the end my army is bigger, and baby, there<br />wouldn't be a fight, just silence.<br /><br />----------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />When will this pain end<br />Its been so long without him<br />I swear it isn't fair<br />I still feel him with me<br />It was only a second<br />It was only a second<br />How can a second<br />Take everything away<br />All my hopes and dreams<br />These sleepless nights alone<br />When will all of this end<br />Time will tell<br />When this story ends<br />All will be revealed<br /><br />---------------------------------------<br /><br />This isn't me raising my flag of defeat<br />I am taking a new direction<br />You won't see me fall to pieces<br />Im stronger than that<br />And you'll see<br />How I really am<br />When you look into my eyes<br />Lay down at my feet<br />Failure is not an option<br />Failure is not an option<br />Failure is not an option<br />But it won't be a walk in the park<br />Fighting<br />Bleeding<br />This war's not over<br />Gun smoke<br />War cries<br />You'll never understand<br />Don't try to understand<br />Face to face with me<br />You'll see the fire in my stare<br />My broken empty heart<br />You'll see the real meScumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-64994582958262060762010-04-03T13:18:00.002-05:002010-04-03T13:34:30.951-05:00New DayMy girlfriend of four and a half years cheated on me. To make matters worse, she's not sorry about it. My whole world crashed down on top of me, and now I'm crawling through the rubble. The best advice I've gotten is, do better. Now I am going to focus solely on me. Eat better, go back to the gym, feel better about myself. Another bit of advice comes from Dr. Seuss, those who matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter. Enough of this making everyone else happy crap. I need to be happy, and if you are my friend, you to should be happy. I have the best friends...ever. They are making me realize, life will go on, I'm still an awesome guy. I hope that when I start treating myself better, I will gain more confidence. Then I can Truly be happy...time to clean my room, and do laundryScumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-3158353524165408992010-01-31T00:35:00.000-06:002010-01-31T00:37:55.148-06:00I am not really satisfied with my results so far, I know it's not immediate, but I was hoping for something. I have been going to the gym at least every other day. I realize now, I have to change my eating habits, for real. I say im working on it, but I'm not. It is way harder than I imagined. I still think I can do it, I need more support. I hate being told what to do, I will usually do the opposite when ordered. I wish I could get a job, then I could start buying actual food, instead of fast food. That shit is gonna be the end of me. Why is it so fucking easy to feed a family of four with McDonald's, instead of a home cooked meal. That is ridiculous. I wish it was easy, I wish I could just look like I do in my head, but I'm probably never going to look like that. It's disheartening, but I have to do it, I am afraid that my heart is at risk, also for diabetes. Scary as hell to think about it, but it is very real. Both of my grandpas died cause of heart problems. And I really have no confidence. At all. I feel worthless all the time. I shouldn't cause I'm a nice guy, and a gentleman. A pretty awesome friend all around. I feel that people are disgusted when they see me, especially now with my teeth. I have giant cartoonish holes in my teeth. Makes me not want to smile. I find myself depressed, like all of a sudden, more and more. Like if im feeling okay, then, Pow! Depressed. It sucks, I can't even explain it. It takes tolls on all of my relationships. Hopefully I will get over this, and move on to be healthy.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-6391118979377368792010-01-22T00:03:00.002-06:002010-01-22T00:14:03.968-06:00huh...So I guess I'm gonna start my life now. I currently acquired a membership to a gym, and am using it. I will be in shape, I'm actually in better shape than i thought, still technically obese, but, better. I've been eating better. I've decided to focus on school, gonna major in either art or business. They seem like two completely unrelated majors. Eventually I want to open my own venue. I am gonna need at least some business courses for that, and i would like to be a better artist. I've also thought about customizing things, like the shoes i draw, and guitars, something like that. Every time I think about recording with my band I get more and more exited. We are gonna but out something amazing. We have ideas man.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-70952300154024147422010-01-12T23:21:00.000-06:002010-01-12T23:22:54.624-06:00I remember a time, when I didn't worry. Those times are long gone. Where will I work, will I go to school, will my car die? Maybe I worry too much...maybe not enough. I wish I could just go back, back to when I was little. I want to be siting and watching <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">rugrats</span> or Doug. Reminiscing is painful. I love remembering. I hate that I can't go back. I miss his hugs. I'm glad that we were as close as we were. It makes it harder now. Honestly, we were friends on top of our father son relationship. I am upset that I don't really have any pictures of just us. I remember a time that we just randomly went out on the boat. We had long conversations. I told him that I was gonna miss him when I went to college. Also that I treasured the random times like those. For the in our lives there was an awkward pause. If you have ever met my dad, you would know, that there were no awkward pauses. I don't know what that meant. Maybe he was sad thinking about me not being around, maybe it was a parent thing, "like I'm so proud" or something, but whatever it was, it was a first. It was really sad for me when they tore down Hollywood park. That was where Dad Nick and I spent a lot of quality time together. Whether we were playing video games, mini golf, or racing <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">gokarts</span>, we had a blast. There was a day the we spent the entire time beating house of the dead 2. My Dad was pretty rad. I miss him a lot. I think I'm actually gonna tell the tale. I forget dates, and frankly I don't want to remember them. I was working at taco bell at the time. I came home to a frightened looking grandma. Mom was on the other line eerily calm. She told me that they were in an accident, and that Dad wasn't able to talk. She said everything was gonna be <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">ok</span>. After I got off the phone with her, I immediately called my brother, and we went to the e.r. It was the most scared I have ever been. We got there, mom and aunt <span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1263360590_0">Chris</span> were there. Mom was in a sling, she had a lot of glass in her arm. We went and saw dad, he looked bad, he was attached to machines, and covered in blood. His jaw was broken in two places, his cheekbone was completely crushed, like dust, broken ribs, and he was on life support. Mom said he never stopped breathing on his own, they put him in a drug induced coma. He was in a coma for two weeks I think. After they cleaned him up we went and saw him. It was the 2<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">nd</span> time I've ever seen him without a beard. He was in the hospital for a total of three months. I was there for all but like four of those days. He would squeeze my hand, and when he woke up, he looked at me. He eventually started breathing on his own. He still needed oxygen, but he was breathing on his own. Then, because of the ventilator, he caught pneumonia, which eventually caused his death. I believe that he had a stroke, then they crashed into a tree. He was mobile on his left side. He would squeeze my hand on that side, not the right, and his right eye was lazy. But they moved him to a nursing home, and in the back of my mind I knew he was gone. After two weeks I think, he died. He was all alone. <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">I'm</span> pretty sure he wanted it that way. I found out recently that his mom visited the night before, and she told him, "you can go now, you've worked really hard, but you can go now." He was always a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">momma's</span> boy. I don't want to get into the funeral and all of that. Now that I've made myself completely depressed, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">I'm</span> gonna stop.Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-57586356588070434772010-01-10T01:50:00.000-06:002010-01-10T01:52:13.920-06:00So this is 2010...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">hmm</span> feels an awful lot like 09...I hope this decade is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">beter</span>...although over the past 10 years I've made some of the best friends ever...<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">I'm</span> looking <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">foreword</span>...I am not gonna let anyone hold me back...some people have really been pissing me off lately...<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">I'm</span> not gonna put up with it anymore...this is my year...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">imma</span> fuck shit up...<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">I'm</span> actually gonna start having fun...<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">I'm</span> gonna not be fat...I hate it so much...its done though...I've been drinking virtually no pop...lowered my sweet and salts intake...oh yea, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">fuckin</span> protein all the way...and a lot of water...gallons...im probably gonna drown...I may be getting a job soon...like full time...with benefits...that would be <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">soo</span> awesome...I could get glasses...and more importantly I could fix my teeth...I have <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">cartoonish</span> holes in my teeth...its pretty embarrassing...I really hope I get this...I have <span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1263109861_0">high hopes</span> for my band too...in the spring we will be recording...hopefully hopefully touring in the summer...that would make it all worthwhile...all of the money and time...blood sweat tears...I know that we probably aren't gonna make it...<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">I'm</span> hopeful...but realistically, jack leaves after summer...there goes bass, and a place to practice...plus one of my best friends...we have really grown close over the past year...same with everyone in the band...they have really kept me sane...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">haha</span>, mike drunk dialed me on new years...he was smashed...haha...if I get this job, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">I'm</span> gonna start buying healthy food...then I will actually cook it...I wanna eat healthy <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">soo</span> bad, but its hard to do on unemployment...I jump around a lot...whatever...someone just commented on my style...I love my style...collared shirts and sweater vests all the way...soon <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">I'm</span> gonna be thinner, rocking the same look...<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">I'm</span> gonna look good...can't wait...I've been missing my dad pretty badly lately...I went and saw a movie...the whole movie was based around this father and son...at the end the father died...that sucked...I knew it was coming but I couldn't do anything...I'll talk about my dad in detail sometime soon...I have a feeling it won't stop bothering me...so it'll come up again...I guess that's it for nowScumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-65968161127229841882009-12-21T04:06:00.000-06:002009-12-21T04:23:58.122-06:00Another Day Another Dollar...or notwell...i had a good weekend...i visited my girlfriend's family in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Michigan</span>...<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">I'm</span> glad they like me...<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">I'm</span> pretty tired..this one is gonna be short...i cant wait to practice with the full band again...it keeps me sane...i wish i was more of an artist...i find without outside stimulation, i have no drive...it sucks...i used to draw on anything...just doodle...i <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">don't</span> even do that anymore...well, i just watched the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">metalocalypse</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Christmas</span> special...<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">bedtime</span>Scumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8202972355356471029.post-3174140774934362842009-12-18T02:01:00.000-06:002009-12-18T02:26:56.704-06:00So, im gonna try this...I've never really been into blogging...I always thought it was for assholes who just wanted to complain about how their lives were too hard...I guess i do that anyways, soo, im gonna give it a shot...fuck ending a sentence...ellipsis are way better...i never feel like anything i say is really relevant or matters at all...for those who dont know me, i am 20, male, fatish, trying to better myself, taken since 05, relatively happy i guess...so about two years ago my dad died...he was in a car wreck, which i believe was caused by a stroke...he was in the hospital for 3 months, in a coma for a while...when he did die, it was almost a relief...the father i had died in that car crash...he would have never been the same...so i got some of the grieving out of the way before he even died...its hard to believe i was at that hospital every single day...every day...now, i couldn't even tell you what room he was in, or how to get there...it is all a blur...easily the three worst days of my life were...the day he died...the wake...the funeral...it sucks, i get flashbacks...i never thought leaving would be that hard...i didn't want to go...now i cant even step into that room...ive been to a wake in that room...i stayed in back...i lost alot of connection with my brother in that time...i don't think he knows, but i know about all the drugs he was taking...i was soo scarred that he was going to overdose, or go to jail...then one day i get a call saying he got shot...my brother, the wolf loving, tattooed to hell, mowhawk wearing brother of mine was shot...he told the cops it was a drive by...he was just stoned with his friends and the fucking idiot with a gun...drugs+guns=bad...he could have died...i think that woke his ass up...when his car broke down me and him got closer...we were forced to talk with each other when i would pick him up from work...i love my brother...he really means a lot to me...im glad he is not dead...ive been in a relationship for about four years now...she is my world...i spend time with her everyday...we are best friends...i am the luckiest guy on earth...i can tell her anything without feeling embarrassed...that doesn't come often...i am actually a shy person...if i get to know you, im not really at all, but i get uncomfortable meeting new people...i think i may have a bit of social anxiety, nut my friends help with that...im gonna stop now...i will tell you more about my girlfriend, friends, and band tomorrowScumboy Fantastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13451553873476389398noreply@blogger.com0