Why Do I Torture Myself

I always do this. I can't sleep, so I put on a movie that I know makes me sad. Why? Why the fuck do I do this to myself? I just want to be happy. That's all. Is that really so much to ask? Is it stupid to ask that question? Am I stupid for wanting happiness? Why do I desperately want to be in love again? I know I'll just end up breaking another heart along with mine. Is it really worth it? Do I really want to put myself through it all again? Yes. It is worth it. I want it more than anything. I'm afraid I won't find it again. I know there are billions of people out there. Maybe I should move away. Start over in a new place. Maybe I'll be happy then. I don't have the guts. I wish somebody would steal me away. Wouldn't that be nice.

A New Chapter Awaits

I met up with my ex-girlfriend tonight after work. We finally had our talk. For nine months I have been hung up on her, because we never got to say goodbye, it was just over. So we arranged to meet. At first it was just to see if we could be friends. We had an awkward meal, that we both didn’t eat. Then we sat in her car and talked for hours. I fell back in love with her. Then we started to really talk. I cried for about an hour. We said goodbye, and I asked her for one last kiss. She wouldn’t give me one. She then started to cry. I wanted to hold her, but she pushed me away. She was crying over her recent ex-boyfriend. I was crushed. I felt just like I did nine months ago. Here I was, finally saying goodbye, and she took it away again. I was a furious empty shell of a man. Instead of leaving, I told her about it, I told her how I felt. Then we both said our teary eyed goodbyes, and we kissed. I will never forget her. I can finally move on now. It took falling in love, getting heartbroken, and finally saying goodbye to get to this point. It's been an emotionally draining five hours, I think I'll go to sleep now.

Here we go Again...

I wake up not happy. I think of what was, and what I want so bad. How the fuck do I even "put myself out there?" I really just want to find someone who I get along with, and who actually likes me for me. Not because I hang with Leonardo, but seriously. I'm not happy being alone, and it seems like all the girls I'm interested in are already taken, or don't like me in that way. If someone has the secret, let me know. I'll be here.

Moving On, and I'm Scared Shitless

Even I'm getting annoyed with all of my posts about being lonely. I wish I could just magically find "her." I realize I have to put myself out there and I'm scared. I have NO confidence. I am so hard on myself, and it's terrible. I love my personality, but this body makes me hate myself. I know I have to get over it and do something, but again, I'm scared of failure. I have not had the easiest couple of years, and I think I'm used to getting the raw end of everything. Hopefully this new job will make me realize that things are going to be okay. I have something to do now, and something to save for. I just hope I can pull myself out of this funk.

So,

Ive been actually pretty happy up until tonight. I don't know, Something about today really makes me wish I had someone. I don't even have someone in mind. I haven't really been looking, but I haven't not been. I wish I could just find someone to be with forever. That's all I want, just one. Someone that I get along with, and who can get along with my friends. I think this attitude has to do with me smoking the past few days. I've now tried it, and it is not for me. Cigarettes are stupid, at first I loved the nicotine high, but it got old really quick. I'm over it. I have been really productive the past few days. I think it has to do with hanging out with my friend Ian. He is a really good influence on me. I am still on the hunt for a job, on the plus side, I don't care about what job I get, as long as I have one, I will be happy. That is what was holding me back. I got picky at the wrong time. This year has really sucked. Bad. People say it will get better, and it may, but it's not looking like it.

Hmmm

I have come to realize that I'm not a "go out and fuck random girls" kind of guy. I am, and probably will always be a relationship guy. The reason that sucks so much is, I am nowhere near ready to be in one. I wish I could just hold a girl and not run the risk of falling head over heels, I'm afraid this will happen, but I've been longing for a woman's touch, not in a sexual way, just to be so close to someone that they fit perfectly in your arms and everything seems like it is going to be okay. I love women, not in a "I wanna bang everything that has tits and a pussy" way, but in a "I want to hold her and listen to her story" kind of way. I love the female form, every curve, every inch of soft skin, and the way their hair tickles when it brushes against your skin. I miss that terribly. I wish girls wouldn't care, I wish I wouldn't come off as a creep for saying all of this. I wish I didn't come off as a pussy for saying/meaning all of this. I want to stay up and watch the sunrise with someone, I want to sit with her and watch the world turn, we wouldn't even need to talk, just being with her would make us invincible. I want to find that girl for me, I thought I had it, but it didn't work out. Maybe life is going to be full of those relationships, however bad they end, you can still remember the times you stayed up so late that you propose, and she says yes. The times you sit lakeside on a miserable winter day, staring at the frozen lake, and as long as she is by your side, everything is fine. Friends, I had a person who was my other half, but when you both change, sometimes you don't fit together anymore. That, that is life, and it took me four months to realize it. The relationship should have ended long before it did. I think that I am finally at peace with it's end. Soon I will try and find a new person who "completes me." As sappy and bullshit that saying is, it is what I am looking for. Hopefully I find that girl soon.

Bryan Fielder is going to be ok.