Fuck Sleep

It seems every time I remember a dream, it's about her. It's never good either. Had a good workout yesterday, followed by a good breakfast. I ate like shit for the rest of the day :/ I'll get to a point where I can manage my time, and make meals for the week or something. Until then I'm just gonna try and stay positive. I didn't wake up early enough to go to the gym, maybe I'll go after work. I need to make more friends, or at least hang out more with the ones I do have. I don't really ever want to be alone. I hope I find someone who can make me forget, and I hope I find her soon...

let's do this

So, I've noticed that I am growing more and more depressed. I keep finding out things about my ex and it brings me down. I have to get out of this slump. No more fast food, no more soda, no more eating cause I'm sad. I used to say something along the lines of, "this is my last time pigging out." I can't have that mentality. This blog will now be an everyday documentation of my journey to better health. This will happen.

At least it's a tragedy

I am having a hard time coming out of my shell. Sadly I am more myself when I drink. It gives me tho courage to talk to people I don't know. I really have a lot to offer, but don't talk much in public settings. If you disagree, then you are probably in the little group i call close friends. I think I may have made a connection with two people tonight. We spent hours just talking, and it was a real fucking conversation. I missed that. Conversating. If you see me anywhere, talk to me, I love to chat, small talk or not. As much as I fucking hate people, I love meeting new friends. On a separate note, I am starting to embrace that I am an artist. I love drawing on shoes. I do it well. Well, I'm a little drunk, and I need to go to bed. I have a feeling I will start using this more.

I wouldn't call it a broken heart, just shards like glass embeded in my chest

These are some poems I wrote recently...


How can I love with a heart this
broken, you stepped on me with the words you have spoken.
There won't be any shoulders to cry on, not mine at least
that time is gone.

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Just when I thought the world couldn't get anymore
confusing, you walk through the door.
I should stop wearing these shirts, the sleeves get covered
in blood more often than not.
This time there is nothing left to break, im numb. You'd
think that's a good thing, its worse
There won't be any civil wars tonight girl, you know what
you did, no reason to kick you while you're down.
Cause in the end my army is bigger, and baby, there
wouldn't be a fight, just silence.

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When will this pain end
Its been so long without him
I swear it isn't fair
I still feel him with me
It was only a second
It was only a second
How can a second
Take everything away
All my hopes and dreams
These sleepless nights alone
When will all of this end
Time will tell
When this story ends
All will be revealed

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This isn't me raising my flag of defeat
I am taking a new direction
You won't see me fall to pieces
Im stronger than that
And you'll see
How I really am
When you look into my eyes
Lay down at my feet
Failure is not an option
Failure is not an option
Failure is not an option
But it won't be a walk in the park
Fighting
Bleeding
This war's not over
Gun smoke
War cries
You'll never understand
Don't try to understand
Face to face with me
You'll see the fire in my stare
My broken empty heart
You'll see the real me

New Day

My girlfriend of four and a half years cheated on me. To make matters worse, she's not sorry about it. My whole world crashed down on top of me, and now I'm crawling through the rubble. The best advice I've gotten is, do better. Now I am going to focus solely on me. Eat better, go back to the gym, feel better about myself. Another bit of advice comes from Dr. Seuss, those who matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter. Enough of this making everyone else happy crap. I need to be happy, and if you are my friend, you to should be happy. I have the best friends...ever. They are making me realize, life will go on, I'm still an awesome guy. I hope that when I start treating myself better, I will gain more confidence. Then I can Truly be happy...time to clean my room, and do laundry

I am not really satisfied with my results so far, I know it's not immediate, but I was hoping for something. I have been going to the gym at least every other day. I realize now, I have to change my eating habits, for real. I say im working on it, but I'm not. It is way harder than I imagined. I still think I can do it, I need more support. I hate being told what to do, I will usually do the opposite when ordered. I wish I could get a job, then I could start buying actual food, instead of fast food. That shit is gonna be the end of me. Why is it so fucking easy to feed a family of four with McDonald's, instead of a home cooked meal. That is ridiculous. I wish it was easy, I wish I could just look like I do in my head, but I'm probably never going to look like that. It's disheartening, but I have to do it, I am afraid that my heart is at risk, also for diabetes. Scary as hell to think about it, but it is very real. Both of my grandpas died cause of heart problems. And I really have no confidence. At all. I feel worthless all the time. I shouldn't cause I'm a nice guy, and a gentleman. A pretty awesome friend all around. I feel that people are disgusted when they see me, especially now with my teeth. I have giant cartoonish holes in my teeth. Makes me not want to smile. I find myself depressed, like all of a sudden, more and more. Like if im feeling okay, then, Pow! Depressed. It sucks, I can't even explain it. It takes tolls on all of my relationships. Hopefully I will get over this, and move on to be healthy.

huh...

So I guess I'm gonna start my life now. I currently acquired a membership to a gym, and am using it. I will be in shape, I'm actually in better shape than i thought, still technically obese, but, better. I've been eating better. I've decided to focus on school, gonna major in either art or business. They seem like two completely unrelated majors. Eventually I want to open my own venue. I am gonna need at least some business courses for that, and i would like to be a better artist. I've also thought about customizing things, like the shoes i draw, and guitars, something like that. Every time I think about recording with my band I get more and more exited. We are gonna but out something amazing. We have ideas man.