Why Do I Torture Myself

I always do this. I can't sleep, so I put on a movie that I know makes me sad. Why? Why the fuck do I do this to myself? I just want to be happy. That's all. Is that really so much to ask? Is it stupid to ask that question? Am I stupid for wanting happiness? Why do I desperately want to be in love again? I know I'll just end up breaking another heart along with mine. Is it really worth it? Do I really want to put myself through it all again? Yes. It is worth it. I want it more than anything. I'm afraid I won't find it again. I know there are billions of people out there. Maybe I should move away. Start over in a new place. Maybe I'll be happy then. I don't have the guts. I wish somebody would steal me away. Wouldn't that be nice.