I am not really satisfied with my results so far, I know it's not immediate, but I was hoping for something. I have been going to the gym at least every other day. I realize now, I have to change my eating habits, for real. I say im working on it, but I'm not. It is way harder than I imagined. I still think I can do it, I need more support. I hate being told what to do, I will usually do the opposite when ordered. I wish I could get a job, then I could start buying actual food, instead of fast food. That shit is gonna be the end of me. Why is it so fucking easy to feed a family of four with McDonald's, instead of a home cooked meal. That is ridiculous. I wish it was easy, I wish I could just look like I do in my head, but I'm probably never going to look like that. It's disheartening, but I have to do it, I am afraid that my heart is at risk, also for diabetes. Scary as hell to think about it, but it is very real. Both of my grandpas died cause of heart problems. And I really have no confidence. At all. I feel worthless all the time. I shouldn't cause I'm a nice guy, and a gentleman. A pretty awesome friend all around. I feel that people are disgusted when they see me, especially now with my teeth. I have giant cartoonish holes in my teeth. Makes me not want to smile. I find myself depressed, like all of a sudden, more and more. Like if im feeling okay, then, Pow! Depressed. It sucks, I can't even explain it. It takes tolls on all of my relationships. Hopefully I will get over this, and move on to be healthy.

huh...

So I guess I'm gonna start my life now. I currently acquired a membership to a gym, and am using it. I will be in shape, I'm actually in better shape than i thought, still technically obese, but, better. I've been eating better. I've decided to focus on school, gonna major in either art or business. They seem like two completely unrelated majors. Eventually I want to open my own venue. I am gonna need at least some business courses for that, and i would like to be a better artist. I've also thought about customizing things, like the shoes i draw, and guitars, something like that. Every time I think about recording with my band I get more and more exited. We are gonna but out something amazing. We have ideas man.

I remember a time, when I didn't worry. Those times are long gone. Where will I work, will I go to school, will my car die? Maybe I worry too much...maybe not enough. I wish I could just go back, back to when I was little. I want to be siting and watching rugrats or Doug. Reminiscing is painful. I love remembering. I hate that I can't go back. I miss his hugs. I'm glad that we were as close as we were. It makes it harder now. Honestly, we were friends on top of our father son relationship. I am upset that I don't really have any pictures of just us. I remember a time that we just randomly went out on the boat. We had long conversations. I told him that I was gonna miss him when I went to college. Also that I treasured the random times like those. For the in our lives there was an awkward pause. If you have ever met my dad, you would know, that there were no awkward pauses. I don't know what that meant. Maybe he was sad thinking about me not being around, maybe it was a parent thing, "like I'm so proud" or something, but whatever it was, it was a first. It was really sad for me when they tore down Hollywood park. That was where Dad Nick and I spent a lot of quality time together. Whether we were playing video games, mini golf, or racing gokarts, we had a blast. There was a day the we spent the entire time beating house of the dead 2. My Dad was pretty rad. I miss him a lot. I think I'm actually gonna tell the tale. I forget dates, and frankly I don't want to remember them. I was working at taco bell at the time. I came home to a frightened looking grandma. Mom was on the other line eerily calm. She told me that they were in an accident, and that Dad wasn't able to talk. She said everything was gonna be ok. After I got off the phone with her, I immediately called my brother, and we went to the e.r. It was the most scared I have ever been. We got there, mom and aunt Chris were there. Mom was in a sling, she had a lot of glass in her arm. We went and saw dad, he looked bad, he was attached to machines, and covered in blood. His jaw was broken in two places, his cheekbone was completely crushed, like dust, broken ribs, and he was on life support. Mom said he never stopped breathing on his own, they put him in a drug induced coma. He was in a coma for two weeks I think. After they cleaned him up we went and saw him. It was the 2nd time I've ever seen him without a beard. He was in the hospital for a total of three months. I was there for all but like four of those days. He would squeeze my hand, and when he woke up, he looked at me. He eventually started breathing on his own. He still needed oxygen, but he was breathing on his own. Then, because of the ventilator, he caught pneumonia, which eventually caused his death. I believe that he had a stroke, then they crashed into a tree. He was mobile on his left side. He would squeeze my hand on that side, not the right, and his right eye was lazy. But they moved him to a nursing home, and in the back of my mind I knew he was gone. After two weeks I think, he died. He was all alone. I'm pretty sure he wanted it that way. I found out recently that his mom visited the night before, and she told him, "you can go now, you've worked really hard, but you can go now." He was always a momma's boy. I don't want to get into the funeral and all of that. Now that I've made myself completely depressed, I'm gonna stop.

So this is 2010...hmm feels an awful lot like 09...I hope this decade is beter...although over the past 10 years I've made some of the best friends ever...I'm looking foreword...I am not gonna let anyone hold me back...some people have really been pissing me off lately...I'm not gonna put up with it anymore...this is my year...imma fuck shit up...I'm actually gonna start having fun...I'm gonna not be fat...I hate it so much...its done though...I've been drinking virtually no pop...lowered my sweet and salts intake...oh yea, fuckin protein all the way...and a lot of water...gallons...im probably gonna drown...I may be getting a job soon...like full time...with benefits...that would be soo awesome...I could get glasses...and more importantly I could fix my teeth...I have cartoonish holes in my teeth...its pretty embarrassing...I really hope I get this...I have high hopes for my band too...in the spring we will be recording...hopefully hopefully touring in the summer...that would make it all worthwhile...all of the money and time...blood sweat tears...I know that we probably aren't gonna make it...I'm hopeful...but realistically, jack leaves after summer...there goes bass, and a place to practice...plus one of my best friends...we have really grown close over the past year...same with everyone in the band...they have really kept me sane...haha, mike drunk dialed me on new years...he was smashed...haha...if I get this job, I'm gonna start buying healthy food...then I will actually cook it...I wanna eat healthy soo bad, but its hard to do on unemployment...I jump around a lot...whatever...someone just commented on my style...I love my style...collared shirts and sweater vests all the way...soon I'm gonna be thinner, rocking the same look...I'm gonna look good...can't wait...I've been missing my dad pretty badly lately...I went and saw a movie...the whole movie was based around this father and son...at the end the father died...that sucked...I knew it was coming but I couldn't do anything...I'll talk about my dad in detail sometime soon...I have a feeling it won't stop bothering me...so it'll come up again...I guess that's it for now