Sunday, January 31, 2010
I am not really satisfied with my results so far, I know it's not immediate, but I was hoping for something. I have been going to the gym at least every other day. I realize now, I have to change my eating habits, for real. I say im working on it, but I'm not. It is way harder than I imagined. I still think I can do it, I need more support. I hate being told what to do, I will usually do the opposite when ordered. I wish I could get a job, then I could start buying actual food, instead of fast food. That shit is gonna be the end of me. Why is it so fucking easy to feed a family of four with McDonald's, instead of a home cooked meal. That is ridiculous. I wish it was easy, I wish I could just look like I do in my head, but I'm probably never going to look like that. It's disheartening, but I have to do it, I am afraid that my heart is at risk, also for diabetes. Scary as hell to think about it, but it is very real. Both of my grandpas died cause of heart problems. And I really have no confidence. At all. I feel worthless all the time. I shouldn't cause I'm a nice guy, and a gentleman. A pretty awesome friend all around. I feel that people are disgusted when they see me, especially now with my teeth. I have giant cartoonish holes in my teeth. Makes me not want to smile. I find myself depressed, like all of a sudden, more and more. Like if im feeling okay, then, Pow! Depressed. It sucks, I can't even explain it. It takes tolls on all of my relationships. Hopefully I will get over this, and move on to be healthy.