Here we go Again...

I wake up not happy. I think of what was, and what I want so bad. How the fuck do I even "put myself out there?" I really just want to find someone who I get along with, and who actually likes me for me. Not because I hang with Leonardo, but seriously. I'm not happy being alone, and it seems like all the girls I'm interested in are already taken, or don't like me in that way. If someone has the secret, let me know. I'll be here.

Moving On, and I'm Scared Shitless

Even I'm getting annoyed with all of my posts about being lonely. I wish I could just magically find "her." I realize I have to put myself out there and I'm scared. I have NO confidence. I am so hard on myself, and it's terrible. I love my personality, but this body makes me hate myself. I know I have to get over it and do something, but again, I'm scared of failure. I have not had the easiest couple of years, and I think I'm used to getting the raw end of everything. Hopefully this new job will make me realize that things are going to be okay. I have something to do now, and something to save for. I just hope I can pull myself out of this funk.

So,

Ive been actually pretty happy up until tonight. I don't know, Something about today really makes me wish I had someone. I don't even have someone in mind. I haven't really been looking, but I haven't not been. I wish I could just find someone to be with forever. That's all I want, just one. Someone that I get along with, and who can get along with my friends. I think this attitude has to do with me smoking the past few days. I've now tried it, and it is not for me. Cigarettes are stupid, at first I loved the nicotine high, but it got old really quick. I'm over it. I have been really productive the past few days. I think it has to do with hanging out with my friend Ian. He is a really good influence on me. I am still on the hunt for a job, on the plus side, I don't care about what job I get, as long as I have one, I will be happy. That is what was holding me back. I got picky at the wrong time. This year has really sucked. Bad. People say it will get better, and it may, but it's not looking like it.

Hmmm

I have come to realize that I'm not a "go out and fuck random girls" kind of guy. I am, and probably will always be a relationship guy. The reason that sucks so much is, I am nowhere near ready to be in one. I wish I could just hold a girl and not run the risk of falling head over heels, I'm afraid this will happen, but I've been longing for a woman's touch, not in a sexual way, just to be so close to someone that they fit perfectly in your arms and everything seems like it is going to be okay. I love women, not in a "I wanna bang everything that has tits and a pussy" way, but in a "I want to hold her and listen to her story" kind of way. I love the female form, every curve, every inch of soft skin, and the way their hair tickles when it brushes against your skin. I miss that terribly. I wish girls wouldn't care, I wish I wouldn't come off as a creep for saying all of this. I wish I didn't come off as a pussy for saying/meaning all of this. I want to stay up and watch the sunrise with someone, I want to sit with her and watch the world turn, we wouldn't even need to talk, just being with her would make us invincible. I want to find that girl for me, I thought I had it, but it didn't work out. Maybe life is going to be full of those relationships, however bad they end, you can still remember the times you stayed up so late that you propose, and she says yes. The times you sit lakeside on a miserable winter day, staring at the frozen lake, and as long as she is by your side, everything is fine. Friends, I had a person who was my other half, but when you both change, sometimes you don't fit together anymore. That, that is life, and it took me four months to realize it. The relationship should have ended long before it did. I think that I am finally at peace with it's end. Soon I will try and find a new person who "completes me." As sappy and bullshit that saying is, it is what I am looking for. Hopefully I find that girl soon.

Bryan Fielder is going to be ok.

Nothing New

Nothing of Importance to post. I'm still depressed, still hung up on some girl, still out of shape, still have no confidence, still to lazy to chance that. I suck

Father's Day

It's been two years. I put on a front, but inside I am devastated. This day will never be the same.

Time to get all Bro-Core...

In all honesty, the last three or four years of my life have been rough. I would even say that it just sucked for a lot of it. Everything from big things like losing my father, to small minuscule things like being unemployed. Life has not been great. The redeeming quality is my friends. I know everyone thinks it, but I have the best friends ever. Period. Some Ive had for sixteen years, some less than two. I would take a bullet for a select few, but anyone who considers me a friend, I hold in my heart. If I didn't have friends, I wouldn't have anything. They have helped me through everything, and with them, I can get through anything. As long as they are by my side, I'm invincible.

I guess this is growing up

Today I sold a couple of instruments that I don't play anymore. Instead of wasting the money I am putting it in the bank, and I didn't really spent money today. It is really weird, I'm not the type to be responsible. I guess I should get used to it. Fuck growing up sucks. I miss not having a care in the world...

Soo...

I have a job interview tomorrow. I hope my new outlook on life will help me. It could blow up in my face considering said outlook is not caring. I plan to look nice, but I'm keeping my stubbly growing chops. I shaved everywhere else, I just want the sideburns more than I want this job. Getting back to my new "lease on life." I have virtually stopped caring. If your not going to like me because I hang out with someone you don't like, or what I look like, then fuck off. I'm done caring about what people think of me. Fuck that. I'm still gonna be a "nice guy," but I'm not gonna put up with any bullshit like I used to. Hopefully I will be more happy.

Sooner than I ever thought possible...

So, the past five days have been amazing. I feel happy. No more bad dreams, no more feeling like there is a 50lb weight on my shoulders, back to normal. I think I am over her for now. There will probably be setbacks, but for now, I am. I even saw her the other day, and it didn't make me upset at all. Bad news is, I have not been doing well with making healthier decisions. Good news is, it's a new day. Time to grab life by the horns and make it my bitch.

Fuck Sleep

It seems every time I remember a dream, it's about her. It's never good either. Had a good workout yesterday, followed by a good breakfast. I ate like shit for the rest of the day :/ I'll get to a point where I can manage my time, and make meals for the week or something. Until then I'm just gonna try and stay positive. I didn't wake up early enough to go to the gym, maybe I'll go after work. I need to make more friends, or at least hang out more with the ones I do have. I don't really ever want to be alone. I hope I find someone who can make me forget, and I hope I find her soon...

let's do this

So, I've noticed that I am growing more and more depressed. I keep finding out things about my ex and it brings me down. I have to get out of this slump. No more fast food, no more soda, no more eating cause I'm sad. I used to say something along the lines of, "this is my last time pigging out." I can't have that mentality. This blog will now be an everyday documentation of my journey to better health. This will happen.

At least it's a tragedy

I am having a hard time coming out of my shell. Sadly I am more myself when I drink. It gives me tho courage to talk to people I don't know. I really have a lot to offer, but don't talk much in public settings. If you disagree, then you are probably in the little group i call close friends. I think I may have made a connection with two people tonight. We spent hours just talking, and it was a real fucking conversation. I missed that. Conversating. If you see me anywhere, talk to me, I love to chat, small talk or not. As much as I fucking hate people, I love meeting new friends. On a separate note, I am starting to embrace that I am an artist. I love drawing on shoes. I do it well. Well, I'm a little drunk, and I need to go to bed. I have a feeling I will start using this more.

I wouldn't call it a broken heart, just shards like glass embeded in my chest

These are some poems I wrote recently...


How can I love with a heart this
broken, you stepped on me with the words you have spoken.
There won't be any shoulders to cry on, not mine at least
that time is gone.

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Just when I thought the world couldn't get anymore
confusing, you walk through the door.
I should stop wearing these shirts, the sleeves get covered
in blood more often than not.
This time there is nothing left to break, im numb. You'd
think that's a good thing, its worse
There won't be any civil wars tonight girl, you know what
you did, no reason to kick you while you're down.
Cause in the end my army is bigger, and baby, there
wouldn't be a fight, just silence.

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When will this pain end
Its been so long without him
I swear it isn't fair
I still feel him with me
It was only a second
It was only a second
How can a second
Take everything away
All my hopes and dreams
These sleepless nights alone
When will all of this end
Time will tell
When this story ends
All will be revealed

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This isn't me raising my flag of defeat
I am taking a new direction
You won't see me fall to pieces
Im stronger than that
And you'll see
How I really am
When you look into my eyes
Lay down at my feet
Failure is not an option
Failure is not an option
Failure is not an option
But it won't be a walk in the park
Fighting
Bleeding
This war's not over
Gun smoke
War cries
You'll never understand
Don't try to understand
Face to face with me
You'll see the fire in my stare
My broken empty heart
You'll see the real me

New Day

My girlfriend of four and a half years cheated on me. To make matters worse, she's not sorry about it. My whole world crashed down on top of me, and now I'm crawling through the rubble. The best advice I've gotten is, do better. Now I am going to focus solely on me. Eat better, go back to the gym, feel better about myself. Another bit of advice comes from Dr. Seuss, those who matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter. Enough of this making everyone else happy crap. I need to be happy, and if you are my friend, you to should be happy. I have the best friends...ever. They are making me realize, life will go on, I'm still an awesome guy. I hope that when I start treating myself better, I will gain more confidence. Then I can Truly be happy...time to clean my room, and do laundry

I am not really satisfied with my results so far, I know it's not immediate, but I was hoping for something. I have been going to the gym at least every other day. I realize now, I have to change my eating habits, for real. I say im working on it, but I'm not. It is way harder than I imagined. I still think I can do it, I need more support. I hate being told what to do, I will usually do the opposite when ordered. I wish I could get a job, then I could start buying actual food, instead of fast food. That shit is gonna be the end of me. Why is it so fucking easy to feed a family of four with McDonald's, instead of a home cooked meal. That is ridiculous. I wish it was easy, I wish I could just look like I do in my head, but I'm probably never going to look like that. It's disheartening, but I have to do it, I am afraid that my heart is at risk, also for diabetes. Scary as hell to think about it, but it is very real. Both of my grandpas died cause of heart problems. And I really have no confidence. At all. I feel worthless all the time. I shouldn't cause I'm a nice guy, and a gentleman. A pretty awesome friend all around. I feel that people are disgusted when they see me, especially now with my teeth. I have giant cartoonish holes in my teeth. Makes me not want to smile. I find myself depressed, like all of a sudden, more and more. Like if im feeling okay, then, Pow! Depressed. It sucks, I can't even explain it. It takes tolls on all of my relationships. Hopefully I will get over this, and move on to be healthy.

huh...

So I guess I'm gonna start my life now. I currently acquired a membership to a gym, and am using it. I will be in shape, I'm actually in better shape than i thought, still technically obese, but, better. I've been eating better. I've decided to focus on school, gonna major in either art or business. They seem like two completely unrelated majors. Eventually I want to open my own venue. I am gonna need at least some business courses for that, and i would like to be a better artist. I've also thought about customizing things, like the shoes i draw, and guitars, something like that. Every time I think about recording with my band I get more and more exited. We are gonna but out something amazing. We have ideas man.

I remember a time, when I didn't worry. Those times are long gone. Where will I work, will I go to school, will my car die? Maybe I worry too much...maybe not enough. I wish I could just go back, back to when I was little. I want to be siting and watching rugrats or Doug. Reminiscing is painful. I love remembering. I hate that I can't go back. I miss his hugs. I'm glad that we were as close as we were. It makes it harder now. Honestly, we were friends on top of our father son relationship. I am upset that I don't really have any pictures of just us. I remember a time that we just randomly went out on the boat. We had long conversations. I told him that I was gonna miss him when I went to college. Also that I treasured the random times like those. For the in our lives there was an awkward pause. If you have ever met my dad, you would know, that there were no awkward pauses. I don't know what that meant. Maybe he was sad thinking about me not being around, maybe it was a parent thing, "like I'm so proud" or something, but whatever it was, it was a first. It was really sad for me when they tore down Hollywood park. That was where Dad Nick and I spent a lot of quality time together. Whether we were playing video games, mini golf, or racing gokarts, we had a blast. There was a day the we spent the entire time beating house of the dead 2. My Dad was pretty rad. I miss him a lot. I think I'm actually gonna tell the tale. I forget dates, and frankly I don't want to remember them. I was working at taco bell at the time. I came home to a frightened looking grandma. Mom was on the other line eerily calm. She told me that they were in an accident, and that Dad wasn't able to talk. She said everything was gonna be ok. After I got off the phone with her, I immediately called my brother, and we went to the e.r. It was the most scared I have ever been. We got there, mom and aunt Chris were there. Mom was in a sling, she had a lot of glass in her arm. We went and saw dad, he looked bad, he was attached to machines, and covered in blood. His jaw was broken in two places, his cheekbone was completely crushed, like dust, broken ribs, and he was on life support. Mom said he never stopped breathing on his own, they put him in a drug induced coma. He was in a coma for two weeks I think. After they cleaned him up we went and saw him. It was the 2nd time I've ever seen him without a beard. He was in the hospital for a total of three months. I was there for all but like four of those days. He would squeeze my hand, and when he woke up, he looked at me. He eventually started breathing on his own. He still needed oxygen, but he was breathing on his own. Then, because of the ventilator, he caught pneumonia, which eventually caused his death. I believe that he had a stroke, then they crashed into a tree. He was mobile on his left side. He would squeeze my hand on that side, not the right, and his right eye was lazy. But they moved him to a nursing home, and in the back of my mind I knew he was gone. After two weeks I think, he died. He was all alone. I'm pretty sure he wanted it that way. I found out recently that his mom visited the night before, and she told him, "you can go now, you've worked really hard, but you can go now." He was always a momma's boy. I don't want to get into the funeral and all of that. Now that I've made myself completely depressed, I'm gonna stop.

So this is 2010...hmm feels an awful lot like 09...I hope this decade is beter...although over the past 10 years I've made some of the best friends ever...I'm looking foreword...I am not gonna let anyone hold me back...some people have really been pissing me off lately...I'm not gonna put up with it anymore...this is my year...imma fuck shit up...I'm actually gonna start having fun...I'm gonna not be fat...I hate it so much...its done though...I've been drinking virtually no pop...lowered my sweet and salts intake...oh yea, fuckin protein all the way...and a lot of water...gallons...im probably gonna drown...I may be getting a job soon...like full time...with benefits...that would be soo awesome...I could get glasses...and more importantly I could fix my teeth...I have cartoonish holes in my teeth...its pretty embarrassing...I really hope I get this...I have high hopes for my band too...in the spring we will be recording...hopefully hopefully touring in the summer...that would make it all worthwhile...all of the money and time...blood sweat tears...I know that we probably aren't gonna make it...I'm hopeful...but realistically, jack leaves after summer...there goes bass, and a place to practice...plus one of my best friends...we have really grown close over the past year...same with everyone in the band...they have really kept me sane...haha, mike drunk dialed me on new years...he was smashed...haha...if I get this job, I'm gonna start buying healthy food...then I will actually cook it...I wanna eat healthy soo bad, but its hard to do on unemployment...I jump around a lot...whatever...someone just commented on my style...I love my style...collared shirts and sweater vests all the way...soon I'm gonna be thinner, rocking the same look...I'm gonna look good...can't wait...I've been missing my dad pretty badly lately...I went and saw a movie...the whole movie was based around this father and son...at the end the father died...that sucked...I knew it was coming but I couldn't do anything...I'll talk about my dad in detail sometime soon...I have a feeling it won't stop bothering me...so it'll come up again...I guess that's it for now